Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you prevented a child from failing to protect them from feelings of disappointment? You aren’t alone! As a parent I’ve made the mistake of protecting both of my children from failure. As an elementary school administrator, I observe parents swooping in to save the day often. In this post, I will challenge our thinking to realize protecting our kids from disappointment, adversity, or failure is not a form of love. According to Foster Cline and Jim Fay, the authors of Parenting with Love and Logic, many parents confuse love, protection, and caring.
The truth is, caring for our children doesn’t imply we protect them from every potential mistake they’ll ever make. Cline and Fay state that parents who do over protect in an unhealthy way do it more for themselves out of their own selfish needs. Do you agree? If Sarah forgets her lunchbox, is it the end of the world if she has to choose a school lunch as a natural consequence? What lessons are we teaching her about being responsible if you leave work because we are so close to the school and rescue Sarah from the natural consequence of her actions? Why does a worried mom or dad feel responsible for Sarah’s forgetfulness? If Joey forgets his project that is due for math class, but forgets it on the kitchen table after working on the final touches after breakfast, should you take it to him? The answer is no. If children, from a young age, are taught to address and effectively handle their emotions when a disappointment happens then they are more likely to become resilient and responsible young adults. Most research says that children at the age of 9 months old begin learning the difference between right and wrong, yes and no, and the feelings associated with both. Let’s face it, our children will certainly face disappointment, adversity, and even failure.
When our children encounter situations of disappointment, adversity, or failure, it is more about how we respond as adults. If we swoop in and save the day when their is a potential for disappointment, we starve our kids from the experience they need to practice resiliency. One of the most important things we as parents and teachers can teach our children is that failure is not embarrassing, nor does it bring shame to them, their classroom, school, or family. Meeting children with empathy, love, and support during this time is more important. I’ve found many great resources online and in print that help our children turn mistakes into opportunities! Our children need to believe they are amazing beyond their performance in that game or the grade they received on that project because responsible children feel good about themselves. A caution to all of us, children learn to feel love and acceptance from the caring adults in their lives. Let’s make sure the only way our children don’t receive love is when they are doing well. It is equally important to share our love in tough times.
If you’d like more resources on Parenting with Love and Logic or helping children respond to failure, click the links below:
In less than two weeks we welcome the students back for the start of another school year. As I prepare to return, refreshed and ready for another attempt at making our school the best place to work and learn, I attempt to stay a step ahead of the chaos that comes naturally with the launch of every school year.
I recently heard the author of “Water the Bamboo,” Greg Bell speak at a conference in Portland, Oregon. He began his keynote presentation with this statement, “Each and every one of you are a miracle.” It reminded me to think of how to begin each day focused on the miracles we serve in our school. Knowing myself pretty well I realize I am not naturally driven by the affective side of leadership. However, I do my best to learn and grow continuously which means I need to continue this year being more aware of the emotional needs of those I encounter. Mr. Bell also shared that he starts each day asking himself what is going well, personally and professionally. His point being that if we focus only on the negative we miss celebrating what is going well. He also ends his day with asking himself what went well. So, let’s try it. As we walk into a new school year, what is going well and where are the silver linings?
What is going well in our school and district? First, our teachers are professional, dedicated, and committed to our students. We’ve worked diligently to establish and maintain genuine professional relationships that blur lines of traditional hierarchy to ensure there are minimal barriers to student success. All stakeholders in the school community have input – administrators, teachers, parents, students, community members, etc. This has provided a multi-layered position of support for our teachers and our school. There is much work to continue in this area, but we’ve started a great process that will only have a positive return. In addition to our teachers, we have amazing students with so many talents including academics and beyond. By recognizing the talents beyond academics we are better able to address the education of a young person not just a test score. This is something that makes me extremely proud. Finally, our district is on the verge of something great. As we continue to break down barriers to our success and overcome obstacles that keep us from being the best school corporation in the state of Indiana. We have the potential, and we are getting one step closer each day.
If you’ve followed the professional dysfunction in Indiana you’ll know there is continuous conflict with our State Superintendent and the State Board of Education. I feel embarrassed for our state. The ugly, in my opinion, is the politics in education that serve a purpose other than making our children the priority. Whether you are Team Ritz or Team (everyone else but Ritz), it is a lack of professionalism and leadership that sets the tone for the climate of education in our state. It breaks my heart. I’d like to believe anyone invested in schools has the right intentions along with enough heart and passion to make the educational experience better for children, not to advance political agendas.
Have you ever seen the movie Silver Linings Playbook? Minus the vulgar language and the oddly fascinating love story, I connected to the idea of finding a silver lining no matter your situation. No matter what our situation, we find a way to do what is best for children. Millions of dollars of funding have been lost over the last five years to Indiana property tax caps and has caused many challenges at our local level. Yes, we are given less funding per child than the state average. Sure, we have class sizes that are way larger than we are comfortable with at most grade levels. No, we don’t have enough funding to support the type of technology to keep us innovative at all levels. Do we pay our teachers like we want to, absolutely not.
However, little is standing in our way of getting our job done. Our teachers make it work by showing up every day committed to our students. Individual schools and our district as a whole continue to score well on our state accountability tests and we provide a well rounded educational experience to provide a variety of programs from athletics to the performing arts. This is our sliver lining, what is yours?
Next Up: Tips for Launching an Effective School Year
At the end of every academic year teachers and principals reflect. Let’s be serious, we reflect for about thirty seconds on what went well and what we are proud of, and then we torture ourselves all summer over what we will do better next year. If you are anything like me, you think about it constantly and over analyze it to death. Questions like…How can I decrease the time it takes for teachers to submit data in a timely manner? How can we be more efficient with our student support team? How can we access necessary mental health programs for our students? In what ways can we be better overall? However, recently I have asked myself this question:
Is it me and my leadership style that needs to change to move our school forward?
It sounds a little selfish, I know. But really, how many times do you stop and think about yourself and the impact your behavior and actions have on others? I realized recently that I also welcome collaborative reflection as a part of my process. Allowing others to have input provides multifaceted perspectives I may not have considered. Using an individual and collaborative approach has helped me arrive at some very important conclusions for the future of our school.
Last year, we spent much of our professional development time establishing and modeling effective professional learning communities (PLC). Each of us took a version of the Meyers Briggs personality inventory. Some members of our staff had been involved in personality identification and training prior to this year; however, after finding out what their four letter combination there wasn’t much done with the information. Our teachers used their four letter combination to determine who they were individually as a professional. The next step was to take inventory of all the members of the PLC and identify a collective personality style. Finally, we spent time discussing how we give and receive information in the PLC setting and how that could be deterring our teams from our mission: to be the best for our students. As administrators we participated in the learning along with the teachers.
I learned my personality type is an ESTJ: The Guardian. After searching the web to find power words to summarize ESTJ’s here is what I found: objective, decisive, realistic, analytical, practical, dependable, organized, logical, responsible, and systematic. In knowing all of these things about myself, most of which I knew before this professional development activity, I have been more aware how others receive information I communicate to them. For example, we have an amazing teacher in our school. Her personality type is an ISFJ: The Nurturer. We had a really difficult time communicating simply because she wanted to be heard. I listened, but found I jumped too quickly to try to solve the problems she shared. Just knowing that about her, I was able to receive information from her without jumping to the analytical, take charge me to solve problems.
Back to my question:
Is it me and my leadership style that needs to change to move our school forward?
There may be a more self-aware version of myself leading this school year. I have read some terrific books over the last few months that have energized my passion for the challenges we face in schools. I know our teachers will recognize this renewed spirit as we begin the school year. My goal, rather than presenting a new me this year, is to be the type of leader who makes those around me better. I plan to do this by committing to be a better leader today than I was yesterday by using constant, honest reflection. How will you make this year better than last year?
Next Up: Why You Should Be Afraid of Pandas
Do you know a teacher? If you do please contact him or her right now to say thanks for all they do. The work they do provides so much to be proud of. You are probably asking, “Who are you?” and maybe something like, “Why should I thank a teacher?”
Most importantly I am a wife and mother of two amazing kids. My son just finished kindergarten, and my daughter will begin full day pre-school this fall. Professionally, I have been a classroom teacher, an instructional/reading coach, an elementary principal, and currently serve as an elementary school assistant principal. I will share more with you about each of these experiences in the future, but today I am here to begin a revolution. Let me introduce myself. Hello world! My name is Heather, and I am an educator. Wow, that sounds like an introduction to an education support group; maybe that is what we can be to each other.
As a little girl, I always knew I’d be a teacher. I’d come home from school and play school. I organized my stuffed animals and little brother into a class and played teacher. I didn’t come from a teaching family, which I always found an interesting question when asked. My father is the oldest of nine kids in a really fun Irish Catholic family, and while two of my aunts turned out to be amazing teachers, their decision to teach wasn’t an impact upon me. Sadly, I don’t have “that teacher” who made me want to be a teacher either. I had good teachers, don’t get me wrong, but being a teacher was just who I am meant to be. In high school I had a great friend and his parents were teachers. I remember stories she told me about how it was hard to be a teacher. She told me that if I wanted to have a life and be happy I should choose a different profession. I remember these conversations vividly, and her best attempts to talk me out of being a teacher eventually failed. I was overwhelmed and overjoyed by the smell of crayons, glue sticks, and freshly sharpened pencils. How many of you still get giddy over school supplies?
I don’t pretend to be in the trenches anymore. I fully believe the only people in the trenches are teachers. They spend their time working with the most important clients – OUR CHILDREN. Many times the voices of our teachers are silenced outside the classroom. Why is that? Why do those who do the most important work in our field have so little voice outside their classrooms? I’d be interested in hearing teacher’s responses to that question in the comments below. Since I haven’t been in the classroom for over five years, I don’t think I am at liberty to offer an answer because it will be an assumption based on observation and conversation, and let me tell you that we don’t need more second hand assumptions! While I observe the teachers and students in the trenches, I am not planning for instruction in the same way teachers are. I no longer see the light bulbs turn on when a child decodes a word or sentence well enough to comprehend. No, I am not the leader of that type of instruction anymore.
I am a leader of a different type of instruction. I lead teachers. I do my very best to minimize the micromanagement of teachers while providing them with the information and resources they need to be highly effective educators. Yes, I have responsibilities to plan and implement professional development, analyze and utilize instructional data, and maintain a learning environment that impacts more than academics, but I am a building administrator. That comes with the territory, and those are tasks I enjoy. I can address the data and defend test scores. There is a fine line between shared decision making and over delegation in schools. I strongly believe teachers should teach. Bottom line. Everything they do should be focused on kids. Everything. That is a priority for our school this year. We will increase the investment in the classroom while decreasing the external demands on our teachers, especially those that lack relevance and a direct impact to their professional craft. I’ve made my share of mistakes in that area, and I am still learning. I reflect often on how can we allow teachers to focus most of their energy on teaching. How do we help them learn to ask the right questions to create critical and creative thinkers instead of drilling the mastery of basic skills? Let’s allow teachers to think and ask really good questions in order to help students do the same.
Being an educator is (insert the slide here that flashes hundreds of words in a minute) an honor. One that I am realizing comes with much more individual responsibility than was ever shared with me during my undergraduate education, and even in graduate school. We focused on the how and why we teach and lead the way that particular university felt was right; however, we didn’t dwell on the fact that being a teacher is one of the most difficult, least respected, and intensely political career choices. Those of us who forge ahead in the daily operations of an actual school understand the challenges, while outsiders banter and argue over the wild world of educational reform, accountability, assessment and think they understand the monumental task placed on the shoulder of teachers. If education is the future of our children then we need to speak up, not to cause issue, instead; let’s provide insight. Let’s no longer allow second hand assumptions to drive decisions that impact our classrooms. I refuse. I have a voice, and after ten years in a profession I’ve thought more than once about leaving, I realize it is time to use my voice. My experience and opinion matter. It has to.
I know this: educators are in crisis at all levels. There are too many extraneous things to distract teachers and building leaders from the essential intent of school: TO TEACH KIDS TO THINK. Learning is a product of thinking. Did you know teachers, really great teachers, are leaving our profession? In my school district I am aware of a handful of excellent teachers who are leaving our classrooms to stay at home with their own children or find work in an area they can feel proud of. Did you hear me? Teachers are leaving education to find work they can be proud of! How did we find ourselves in a place where teachers aren’t proud to be teachers? This is a problem. How did we get here?
At home, one of our family values is “be a problem solver”. We have family meetings focused on how to be a problem solver in all areas of our lives: at home, at school, at the swimming pool and any other area that presents a problem (so…everywhere!). I ask my fellow educators: How are we going to solve this problem? The first step to solving a problem is to identify it. So, here is the plan in our school this year:
- Identify what is going well
- Identify our largest constraints. What keeps us from our mission of providing an education that encompasses academic, social, and emotional development for all children?
- Collaborate: divide, share, plan, solve
Sounds easy, right? So, teachers and principals, are you with me? How will we find a voice to help the climate of education focus more on student learning and less on ineffective tests and accountability? Let’s spread the word that teachers and school administrators are not intimidated by accountability, but we demand authentic assessments focused on growth of thinking skills rather than those focused on master of basic skills. How can we change the climate of education from the walls inside our schoolhouse? Muhammad Ali said, “He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.” Let’s take a big risk together. When our teachers and students return in the fall I will share with you our success and failures at solving our largest constraints. We can make a direct impact in our schools, and I’d love to hear how you work to solve yours. We have a lot of work to do. Let’s get started.
Next up: New Year Same You?